self-conscious

sometimes i think of those people that make me feel socially awkward--the ones that point out all my most humiliating qualities. thinking of them usually irritates me; oftentimes i wouldn't mind approaching them and screaming "fuck you" to their faces for toying with my self-consciousness.

but maybe i do those things because...well...they're just a part of me. like all those times when i keep shifting my eyes and can't look straight when i'm walking down the street because i feel like everyone's watching me, judging my appearance...maybe that's who i am.

well, i know that that looks weird. and i don't want to look weird anymore...so stop reminding me of it. oh, and fuck you.

(this blog's turning into a personal journal. i don't know whether or not that's a good thing.)

cabin fever

this weekend is dedicated to writing music.

also, there's a lot of snow outside. and my roommate's baking brownies. today is a good day.

today's realization

what happened to sports? it almost feels like i've never touched a tennis racquet in my entire life.

i don't even play badminton anymore. and i thought i'd keep that up for the entire year.

i kind of miss it all. and yet, i could care less.

haha.

taylor swift has bad posture.

random thoughts of today

my past two writing teachers have told me that i have a knack for producing quality essays. one of my papers from last semester might even get published in mercer street, a compilation of student essays.

i find this all hilariously ironic because i hate writing, and only my pride motivates me to tell you this news.

i think i've been faking humility for a long time. or maybe everyone is inherently egotistical...probably both.

once was lost, once was found, once was lost again, now am confused

i'm slowly growing apathetic. i see everyone else around me closing their eyes, lifting their hands, shouting to the ceiling--their faith astonishes me. at the same time, though, i envy them for having what i could never hold on to. and when i look at them all hanging out after service, embracing each other's company while i stand outside the circle because somehow i could never transcend beyond the realm of "casual acquaintance," i wonder why i'm even here in the first place. or better yet, does all of this even matter?

i'm still happy with life as it is. oftentimes i wonder to where that chunk of me disappeared (or if it was ever there...or if it's still there but i don't see it). but hey, what is feeling lost but merely an essential component to living? and if He will always be there until the day my heart makes its final beat...well, then i guess there's plenty of time to find Him again, to reverse this apathetic trend.

to quote the countless philosophers of this world: life goes on.

i will sit next to her in calc class tomorrow.

acting narcissistic is a terrible thing to do, especially when you unintentionally cock-block your friend because you've endured a boring weekend and feel like you deserve some attention from him, even though he's sitting with a girl...alone in the common room...with his arm around her shoulder.

out of all the terrible acts you've committed in your life, this one's definitely one of the worst (and most oblivious).

getting somewhere

this is my band:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Lost-Ascenders/323376891653?ref=ts

we're playing shows:

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=293966984341&ref=ts

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=293966984341&ref=ts

my dream of getting paid to play the drums is finally coming true!!! :)

worthless

i can't write a long entry (i.e.- more than 3 paragraphs) without relentlessly rethinking, revising and editing every damn aspect of it. it's impossible for me to just blurt out my thoughts and never turn back (which i'd prefer doing since i don't like investing so much time into updating this blog).

curse my perfectionist state of mind.

for now, i'm following the "pithy/cryptic 1-2 sentences" path. it's kind of pointless, yet practical nonetheless.

in other news, please support my new band by "fan-ing" the facebook page:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Lost-Ascenders/323376891653?ref=ts

'preciate it.

cryptic lyrics for my first complete song

"words, places apart" - gypsy club

call to you in empty space

words that fail to move

once was lost and still remain

all is still the same

the air so cold so far from

the sun that feeds the light

time could bring a cure for this

for now i'll still be here